I still hold that language and behavior is learned through unconscious effort as much, if not more than purposely learned skills. Since I am highly cognizant right now of cultural norms, as I try to figure out what I don't know, I'm picking everything apart that I see, hear, and feel and analyzing it to try to make sense of it.
(Sidenote: be glad that you're not a British person with regular communication with me--otherwise you are subject to daily grilling on topics like 'what is the correct response to 'Cheers' like when someone holds open a door?-->Answer: to make eye contact and nod.)
I find it somewhat fuzzy to pick up the cultural norms. On one hand, the shared native English language and many similar societal norms ease the process, but at the same time that comfort level only serves to make one lazy or complacent in not studying closely enough the rules as one would in a vastly different landscape. To pick up the correct behaviors one needs to concentrate as many of these habits are not remotely in the same ballpark as as their American equivalents. Or--I've been too long out of American to recognize what I see here.
S0 in the early wee hours of drunken debauchery on Saturday I had asked someone a question which was met with hesitation before answering. It was in line with a standard German dinner table question (which would make the average American blanch, as well as the average Brit apparently) where anything along ths lines of the below would be fine, such as:
-how much money do you make?
-how much did your house cost/do you pay in rent?
-any question about bedroom behavior...
-any questions about whatever physically can be seen (weight, ethnicity, disability etc.)
-->if you are an expat living in Germany, I suspect you could add at least 10 more...
Even more interesting (and painful) to me--I didn't catch it before I asked it, that this question wouldn't been seen as innocuous. Just call me German direct, Ach mein Gott! Even worse--I had asked this exact question to a German once and it was honestly answered without blinking, leading to an interesting discussion. It's not something I would have done before living in Germany. This directness was something I really fine-tuned upon living there, and after about the third year I was comfortable with it.
But here--the last thing I wanted to do was to make someone uncomfortable. And worse--I'm not German, so I should have known better.
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4 comments:
That is so funny. I am still getting used to the err...shall we call it German bluntness? :)
My sis lives in the UK and I often feel like I don't have a pass there because we share a common language even though I know very little about UK culture! It can make things very interesting. Well worded post.
It is nice to see you are learning etiquette, English style!
Strangely, I find that Americans don't mind you asking how much they earn-- but Germans would be appalled at being asked that.
In Germany you can ask how much someone pays in rent, but not how much his house cost if he is an owner.
As for bedroom behaviour, what questions did you want to ask???
The physical things, yes I admit in Germany it is more normal to remark on those.
Americans hate being asked their age, but in Germany it is quite common. (How truthful your answer is I will leave up to you).
The English are generally more self-deprecating, and don't like showoffs and conspicuous comsumpters.... Germans tend to rely on asking about your academic qualifications.
But of course you didn't reveal what your embarassing question was. Probably had to do with religion.
Very interesting because I too am still learning about the ins & outs of culture over here in your neighbor country, the Netherlands. I have been learning the language & trying to adapt for quite some time now, yet I still seem to find something new each week!
Thanks for sharing about this. It gave me one of those boosts which it seems I need once in a while, to remind me I'm not alone in the sometimes humorous/sometimes awkward learning process.
By the way, I learned something new here too about the British 'Cheers' door/what to do! Thank you for sharing!
And one last thing: I've been following your blog for a little while now & wanted to tell you I love it :-)
Yelli: call it like it is, German bluntness. ;-)
v: i knew if anyone would inquire about the question, it would be you. :-) and i'm not telling my age either!
a touch of dutch: how i wish i would have been in holland instead of germany--lucky you. thanks for stopping by. :-)
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